The Children Are Our Future
This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students: It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
The second ? William Jefferson Clinton
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first " Marlboro Man. "
PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR! (I wouldn't recommend testing this one on your mom's/wife/girlfriends's/etc. pearls- it could result in permanent damage to your own behind.....or worse!) One great tip to make pearls remain lustrous and shiny- always put them on last- after you've finished with your makeup and hairspray and perfume applications. Pearls love natural body oil- it enhances their normal luster. They are easily damaged from chemicals- so protect them.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. Now don't you feel extra smart!
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. (No, I didn't try this....I have trouble folding paper in half just once. I still have a book on Origami that I have been struggling with for over three years.)
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. So add an apple Danish to that cup of Java in the morning to perk up those brain cells.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from the salads they serve on board. I wonder how much they saved when they eliminated meals altogether? Why don't they just offer snacks for sale instead of giving them away? Heck- do like WalMart and put a McDonald's in everything....then you can double your profits!!!!! Are you listening out there? Make your seats wider- put in restaurants and charge for every little thing extra- including pillows! Hello- send me my check for making you richer!
The King of Hearts is the only king without a mustache!
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. (unless you figured out a way to eat in your sleep.)
Food for thought....This is what The
Dalai Lama has to say for 2006. (and guess what- it's timeless!) .
I N S T R U C T I O N S F O R L I F E
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:
Respect for self,
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Shopping with your husband at Walmart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women... she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed. 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least,
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
Regards,
Tom Richards
Wal-Mart Manager
Just for Laughs
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Little Bits of Trivia to Keep those Brain Cells working and the enorphins flowing.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
All were invented by women.
Have something you wqnt to share? send us a note....
New Feature...Crit Claw.
Not sure about your story? Got a box of Kleenex handy? Toss your story this way and let Holmes help you out. He will provide honest- to the point- no holds barred- comments on your story.
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Weak characters? Toss them at Holmes...he'll rip out their spine and hand it back to them. He'll tell you why your characters fell short.
Are you guilty of just tell vs. show? Don't know what that is? Let Holmes explain it to you in his delicate manner.
Do you preach instead of telling a genuine story?
Are you rejected by every online magazine, even the free ones? Perhaps Holmes might have some insight for you.
Not sure why your story didn't work? Willing to have your work shown to the world and it's flaws pointed out? Prefer not to have your real name used? Just be up front with him, and he'll honor your request. It's a free way to get an honest perspective from a cynical viewpoint.
By submitting your story, you agree to allow us to use it as an example online. If you do not wish your real name used, please provide an alias- or we can assign one to you at no cost (other than personal humiliation)
Send your stories to:
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response time may be 4-6 weeks (sometimes sooner)
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This quarters feature will be delayed...it will be ready later in the month.
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is. .. you're NOT my flight instructor?'
1. A day without sunshine... is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt
These are words of wisdom by comedian and philospher Steven Wright.
How to Dance in the Rain
It was a busy morning, about 8:30 , when a gentleman in his 80's arrived at the hospital to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of him, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I inquired as to her health.
He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late..
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, But I still know who she is.'
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps as I thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'
True love is neither
Physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message.. This one I thought I could share with you.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; They just make the best of everything they have. I hope you share this with someone you care about...
'Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
But how to dance in the rain.
Now something to make you smile....and wonder why you are always in a hurry.......
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'
...(Remind you of anyone you know?)
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
